


Do Samurai Dream Of Electric Vacuum Cleaners

by Kestrealbird



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Fluff, Goemon is a sweetheart i would die for him, Humor, Jigen is a little shit, Lupin being jealous yeet, Multi, Polyamory, impossible modifications on a roomba probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 10:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16038200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrealbird/pseuds/Kestrealbird
Summary: The roomba, Lupin decides sourly, two months later, had been a goddamn mistake.





	Do Samurai Dream Of Electric Vacuum Cleaners

**Author's Note:**

> Alright yall this thing was originally a joke I made on twitter but then I got invested and now here we are! Title was given to me by one of my Lupin mutuals (friends?? are we friends?? idk) on twitter (@vipercats) so shout out them for being hella rad!

“Are you sure this place is abandoned? We’re not going to wake up tomorrow with a shotgun pointed at us for trespassing are we?”

“No-one’s lived here for ages, Jigen, we’re fine I promise!”

Jigen casts a suspicious glance over the interior of Lupin’s newest ‘hideout’, screwing his nose up at how  _ clean _ the floor is. Sure, there’s no furniture or decorations - yet, anyway - but the sparkling tiles still manage to set his teeth on edge regardless. “Sure,” he says, “because your promises are always so trustworthy, right?”

Lupin pauses in his pacing, making a quick, mental estimate of how many exits this floor might have, and has the cheek to grin. “I’m not  _ wrong _ . I mean we’re still alive aren't we?”

“By some miracle of faith,” Jigen mutters. 

The last time they’d stayed in a hideout that had been “abandoned”, Fujiko and Goemon had ended up being worshipped as the reincarnations of some cult’s old gods and Lupin had almost been used as a ritual sacrifice that involved a hell of a lot of garlic. Jigen’s still mostly convinced that they were going to summon some kind of demonic vampire and use the garlic to try and tame it or something. 

At least Fujiko had managed to get some jewels out of it. Even if she had pissed off with them and refused, as usual, to share any of the profits. Except with Goemon but then even Zenigata couldn’t really say  _ no _ to the guy for very long before giving in and helping him survive on more than just pure force of will.

Jigen turns his head, watching as Goemon floats over to the only rug in the room, letting himself collapse face first onto it with all the grace of a bird that doesn't realize a window is in front of it, groaning the moment his face makes contact with the scratchy fabric. Jigen lets himself wince with sympathy.

They’d found him collapsed from exhaustion on the side of the road a few days ago and hauled him into the car before someone could try and steal what little money he had left. Forcing him to eat something when he’d finally woken up had been a chore and a half, as usual. As if Lupin’s poor health choices weren’t bad enough. Between the two of them it was a wonder that anything got  _ done _ when neither he nor Fujiko were around to make them take care of themselves. 

That hubris was definitely going to kill them one day. Idiots. 

“Do you think if I ask nicely, Fujiko will bring a nice dinner over to us?” Jigen’s hand twitches towards his gun, the nonchalant tone in Lupin’s voice immediately amping up his irritation. Goemon heaves himself up onto his elbows to glare at Lupin from under his hair.

“You brought us here just because you knew Fujiko was nearby didn't you?” Lupin shrugs, using his rare moments of dignity to look at least a little sheepish about being found out so quickly. Goemon’s eye twitches. 

Jigen pops a cigarette into his mouth, calmly going up the stairs to claim the best room for himself and privately mourns the loss of Lupin’s denim. The jeans had done wonders for his ass, really.

~~~

Fujiko doesn't bring a  _ dinner _ , per say, but she does show up with some very nice champagne and a box of warm sushi to share, which is enough for Jigen to be lured out of his room to eat with everyone instead of sleeping. Goemon practically weeps with joy when Fujiko discreetly hands him a small bottle of sake from under the table, acting as if she’s just performed an amazing drug deal. Maybe she spiked it with a narcotic. She’d done it before, after all. 

He chooses not to go down that particular train of thought tonight. Not when she’d been so  _ gracious _ as to bring good food for them to eat.

None of them have seen Fujiko for the last few months, which isn’t anything new in their strange little dynamics, so it isn’t much of a surprise when Lupin tries to get a kiss from her and ends up with a face full of concrete wall instead. She’s cut her hair short again, Jigen notes, and there’s red highlights in her roots now.

It's not a bad look on her. Certainly not the worst choice she could’ve made. Like blonde. He’ll never let her live that one down.

The suit she’s wearing is  _ incredibly _ high-grade, with cufflinks made of rubies and a waistcoat glittering diamonds. 

She’s clearly in the middle of seducing some poor rich sod and if past experience has taught Jigen  _ anything, _ it’s that they’re all somehow going to get into shit later because of it. 

Doesn't stop him from taking a few jabs at her while he can, though.

“Fujiko,” he coos, leaning back in his chair with a cheshire cat’s grin, very obviously eyeing up her suit, “you shouldn’t have.”

Fujiko scoffs. “The only time I’ll ever dress up for you, Jigen, is when I dance on your grave.”

“I have a few scattered around the place now, if you haven't noticed. Do you need the locations or are your brain cells still working?”

“Jigen don't be mean,” Lupin scolds. There’s a very big bruise forming on his face where he smacked into the concrete. Nobody bothers warning him about it.

Jigen shrugs. “She’s the one who fell down the stairs in heels.”

She’s also the one who just tried to kick him in the shins. Jigen moves his legs just in time to avoid her daggered shoes and steps on her foot.

Sticking her tongue out might not have been the “mature” response to his antics, but Fujiko had never cared much about maturity with Jigen. At worst he was a thorn in her side and at best, though often hard-pressed to admit it, Fujiko could consider him to be a very irritating and shitty older brother.

At least Goemon was -

“What is this thing doing?”

-fascinated by something on the floor, apparently. 

Fujiko looks over his shoulder, blinking at the machine she sees smoothly moving over the crumbs of sushi on the floor. “Oh,” she says, “it’s a roomba.”

What the hell was a roomba  _ doing  _ here? 

A chair gets very pointedly pushed back from the other side of the table and Lupin scrambling to put as much distance between himself and Jigen is less than surprising.

“Don't glare at me like that when you’re holding a knife, you look like a serial killer!”

“‘Don't worry’, you said, ‘we’ll be fine’, you said. Lupin what the  _ fuck _ is a roomba doing here when the place is supposed to be “abandoned”?”

“Er. Keeping it clean? At least now we know why the floor is so nice! Aren't you happy it isn't haunted?”

Fujiko doesn't bother sparing a glance at the scuffle that ensues, too busy watching Goemon’s eyes light up as he kneels down to watch the roomba like she used to do with her dogs when they were being especially adorable. Like sniffing out Lupin’s jewels.

Squatting down next to him, Fujiko takes a few crumbs and spreads them in front of the roomba, calmly explaining that’s it a tiny vacuum with it’s own AI. Goemon takes it all in, clearly fascinated by the tiny machine and the work it’s doing. A smile flits itself onto Fujiko’s face, eyes softening at the sheer adoration in her heart.

A sudden crash behind them jerks Fujiko out of her serenity. She almost misses Goemon’s quiet, “do your best, roomba-san”, when she sharply turns her head to bark, “don't you dare spill anything on my valentino bag!”

Goemon ends up “feeding” the roomba most of his sushi roll, somehow convincing Lupin to let him keep it, much to Jigen’s amusement of course, and then proudly states that he’s going to make it a nice bed to stay in.

Lupin, dramatic bastard that he is, drops to his knees in thankful prayer. Jigen, paragon of maturity that he is, kicks him over.

Fujiko gives Goemon a chaste kiss goodbye at the door just to hear Lupin whining about favoritism, and acts as if she  _ isn’t  _ going to call him later for a little fun down the phone. 

It’s a shame that Jigen has claimed the only room with a decent bed for himself. Listening to Lupin trip over the bedposts and crash onto the floor would’ve been a fun beginning to her night. Oh well. The kiss from Goemon was good enough.

~~~

The roomba, Lupin decides sourly, two months later, had been a goddamn  _ mistake _ .

At first he’d found it adorable how Goemon doted over the thing and fussed about it’s maintenance, and yeah it had been pretty funny to hear Pops’ distressed “what do you mean!?” when Goemon had yelled that he couldn't be arrested anymore because he had a  _ child _ now (“Lupin what did you do!?” “Nothing! why are you assuming it was me?”), but. 

_ But. _

“Jealousy is an ugly emotion on you~” Jigen sings next to him, legs crossed over Lupin’s lap, newspaper folded on his stomach.

“I’m not jealous over a dumb vacuum cleaner,” he sulks, glaring even harder when Goemon walks past them with a puppy blanket to put over the roomba - now affectionately named ‘Masamune’ - so that it doesn't get cold when the storm hits. 

It’s a  _ vacuum _ , for god’s sake, not a  _ person _ . It’s bad enough that “Masamune” is taking up all of Lupin’s hugging time, now the thing is getting cared for like a spoiled pet too? 

“It needs to go,” Lupin says, for the tenth time that day.

Jigen huff's. “Last time you threatened to get rid of Masamune, Goemon refused to talk to you for a week and attached a knife to it so it could defend itself against you.”

Somehow, Lupin manages to sulk even louder than before. “I know. I still have all the tiny scars to prove it.”

“Think of them as love bites.”

“It’s a menace and it hates me.”

Lupin can  _ feel _ the judgment rolling off of Jigen in waves. “I think you’re self-projecting.”

“Yeah well I don't think you’re being very supportive over your lover’s plight.” It’s probably the pettiest thing that Lupin has ever thought to say and Jigen, the arsehole, doesn't even bother rising to the bait.

“You’re right. And the reason is because you’re being an idiot.” 

Logically, Lupin knows that Jigen is right. It isn’t like Goemon is neglecting him or anything, and he does still manage to get his cuddles and kisses it’s just. Well. Lupin doesn’t like the idea of getting  _ less _ affection compared to a dumb little vacuum cleaner. It’s a little stupid to think that Goemon might be losing interest in him because of “Masamune”, especially when he considers that Jigen and Fujiko are dealing with the whole situation pretty well, even going so far as to use the roomba to sneak in extra kisses as if they don't know that Lupin is watching. 

But Goemon has always been just a little less outright with his affections then everyone else, which makes every hug and kiss and cuddle extra special to everyone, so Lupin reasons that his jealousy is  _ completely rational _ when Jigen and Fujiko are managing to get around the tiny roomba and he  _ isn’t. _

Lupin knows that he’s a selfish lover, the kind that tries to horde as much attention as he can from everyone for himself. That’s probably why Jigen is enjoying this so much; he loves seeing Lupin get knocked down a few pegs like this. Sometimes his ego needs to be put in check. Lupin is aware of this. Lupin is also trying very hard to ignore this.

Masamune doesn’t just clean anymore, though, and that’s definitely Lupin’s fault for giving it’s AI more, ah, personality so to speak. It follows Goemon around like a dog, spins in circles when it’s happy and beeps to get attention. Goemon, of course, adores it, so Fujiko had given it an upgrade so it could walk up the stairs. “It’ll make cleaning easier for you.” She’d said. 

It wouldn’t be so bad, of course, if the thing hadn’t interrupted him and Jigen the night before by walking into their room like a demonic spider and frightened the life out of him. Jigen, naturally, had wheezed himself off the bed and refused to get back to what they were doing because ‘the mood had been ruined.’

So yeah. The jealousy was rational, and Masamune needed to go.

~~~

Fujiko glares down at Masamune as it whizzes past her on it’s little spidery legs, feeling a great amount of hatred towards the little demon. At first she’d thought that Lupin’s concerns towards the thing had been completely irrational and unfounded, but then Goemon had turned her down - twice! - because Masamune had ‘needed him’ or whatever and really that was just  _ rude _ .

“He didn’t turn you down,” Jigen says from the other side of the room. Fujiko ignores him. “Just talk to him,” Jigen sighs.

“No.”

Jigen raises a brow, turning on his side to look at her. “And why not?”

She doesn't want to tell Jigen, of all people, that it’s because she’s stubborn, and actually talking to Goemon would mean admitting that she had a problem and -

“Talking never works between us!” Jigen’s face speaks volumes. “Don't give me that look,” she gripes. “Last time was an  _ outlier _ , we don't always get that bad when we avoid talking about our emotions.”

Silently, Jigen starts counting the amount of times that it has, in fact, got that bad on his fingers, including the whole mess when Goemon had sliced up Lupin’s chest, and feels a certain amount of vindictive victory when Fujiko falters, looking somewhat ashamed of herself. 

It only lasts for half a minute before Lupin stalks into the room, eyes filled with a grim determination. 

Jigen lowers his hat with a barely heard groan. Idiots the both of them. 

Maybe if he’s sneaky enough he can get one of his ‘connections’ to add a tracking sensor to Masamune so it could always find its way back home. That’d really piss them off.

~~~

Adding a sensor to Masamune is easily the funniest thing that Jigen has ever done in his life, easily outdoing the time that him and Amèlie, his sister, had switched places for a day and thoroughly confused the living fuck out of Zenigata just for a few laughs. 

Goemon is way more amused about the whole thing than he’s letting on because Jigen keeps catching him hiding his laughter behind books and scarves and suspiciously timed coughs. Lupin and Fujiko look about five seconds away from physically fighting the little roomba, which clings to the sewer walls with it’s little spidery legs and beeps at them happily.

It had, somehow, followed them halfway around the country and found them in the middle of a heist, meticulously planned, of course, except for the unexpected arrival of Masamune, who’d triggered one of the traps that sent them falling through the floor and into the sewers, which  _ would  _ have annoyed Jigen beyond belief if he hadn’t seen the absolute  _ outrage  _ on Fujiko’s face, and the sludge sliding down her hair.

Goemon reaches out to gently pat Masamune, grinning from ear to ear as Lupin splutters on dirt in the background.

“Well,” Jigen snickers, “at least we managed to sneak away from Pops.”

Lupin levels him with a look of absolute  _ defiance _ . “That’s not the point and you know it. How did it even follow us this far!?”

“Because Masamune can fly now.” Jigen bursts into more peals of laughter at the simple explanation and almost loses his balance where he starts banging his foot on the floor. 

“Seriously!? What can it swim, too?” 

Goemon shrugs, unperturbed by Lupin’s outburst. Fujiko crosses her arms with a scowl, muttering, “I bet it was Ami.”

“Rebecca, actually,” Goemon corrects her, his tone mild and calm. Lupin throws his hands up in defeat as if saying  _ ‘of course it was’ _ and starts walking, hunched over with a pout on his lips. 

Masamune, as if proving that yes, it can, in fact, fly, tucks in it’s spidery legs and sprouts a pair of blue-green wings (“definitely Rebecca,” Jigen says, looking at the way they glitter) and hovers right in front of Lupin’s face, effectively blocking his path. It’s ‘on’ light turns from green to red then back again as it floats over to an entirely different pathway. 

Goemon looks at Jigen. Jigen looks back. They shrug and start following Masamune. “This is ridiculous,” Lupin mutters, trailing after them. Fujiko huff's next to him, bemoaning the loss of her outfit.

Goemon raises a single, elegant eyebrow. “So you’re just going to ignore the time that you tried to use a popcorn powered rocket -”

“ - okay that was one time and it would've  _ worked _ -”

“ - sure, Lupin, whatever you say.”

“Did you not  _ see  _ it go down into the Earth’s core -”

“ - we could’ve died,” Fujiko interrupts, as if she’s only just realized her own mortality.

“We could’ve died loads of times,” Jigen replies easily, “the rocket wasn’t such a big deal.”

Somehow, this leads to all of them arguing over which of their ‘adventures’ was, objectively, the worst and they’re only interrupted for a minute when Masamune successfully sneaks them back to their car, away from Zenigata, and Goemon gives Lupin the smuggest ‘ha!’ that anyone has ever heard from him. 

They’ve been driving for just over an hour when Lupin finally relents, sinking into his seat with a sigh. “Fine,” he says, turning to look at Masamune, whose laying on Jigen’s lap like it belongs there, “you can stay. But I am definitely changing your AI so you don't follow us whenever we leave you.”

“Aw,” Jigen coos, “you do have a heart.”

Lupin lets himself smile, exasperated. “Shut up.”

It’s another half-hour when Fujiko agrees with him, and even longer before the both of them actually, albeit awkwardly, admit their jealousy to Goemon. “I know,” he grins. “Jigen owes me so many drinks.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [twitter](http://twitter.com/teatitty) if yall are interested


End file.
